Wampus Cat Report

Mommicked

My favorite T-shirt was given to me by my hunting and fishing buddy Paul Garrison of Mount Olive. Written across the front is: "Young'uns Ain't I Been Mommicked!"

That never ceases to bring questions from passers-by. "What does 'mommicked' mean?" everyone under 50 wants to know.

That's interesting because when the oldtimers among us who grew up in eastern North Carolina, it was a common expression. Mommicked, of course, was a colloquial term  for abused or mistreated. Like: "Don't mommick up that kitten."

A Good Question...

My old friend Graves Lewis shared this one:

A very wealthy citizen was approached by a United Way solicitor who noted that while he was a person of considerable means, U.W. research had shown that he had never  contributed to the fund-raising effort.

The wealthy citizen informed him that his mother was dying after a long, painful illness and had incurred huge medical bills.

Secondly, the citizen said, his brother was a disabled veteran - blind and confined to a wheelchair and unable to support his wife and six children.

In addition, he informed the solicitor, his sister's husband had been killed in a wreck, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another with learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors.

"I'm sorry, I had not idea," apologized the embarrassed solicitor.

"So,"  concluded the wealthy citizen, "If I didn't give a cent to any of them, what makes you think I'll give any money to you?" 

Making Nuisance Calls Fun

We all get them - calls from companies trying to sell us things we don't need or want.  I think they call it "telemarketing."

Most of the time, the calls are recorded pitches. On these, most of us simply hang up. But now and then a real live person is on the other end with a scripted message. For a time, Wampus and Mrs. Wampus would interrupt and inform the caller that we charged $5 a minute to listen. We insisted on the name, phone number and address of the caller, reminding him or her that the clock was running. The conversations usually were short-lived.

But on a recent day, Mrs. Wampus had time on her hands and mischief on her mind when such a call came:

"I am delighted to inform you that you have just won a $1,000 shopping spree at your favorite shopping center in Dudley, North Carolina," gushed the caller.

"But we don't have a shopping center at Dudley," replied Mrs. Wampus. "We only have Smith Brothers store."

The caller persisted: "You do go to a shopping center sometimes, though, don't you?"

"Maybe once or twice a year," she admitted.

"And you do have  credit cards," insisted the caller.

In her best Mrs. Archie Bunker impersonation, Mrs. Wampus replied: "Cards? Oh, I have lots of cards. I have three whole decks. The ace of spades is missing from one deck. I think my husband did something with it..."

"Oh, no,  I mean credit cards. Don't you have a bank account and doesn't the bank give you a credit card, and don' t you sometimes use a credit card at Smith Brothers store at Dudley, North Carolina..."

"Oh, yes, we have a bank account and there's lots of money in it and we  take some out sometimes and it's a good thing because Mr. Smith likes cash for his groceries and things and he has lots of things, like shoes and boots and overalls and even dresses and ..."

But about then, Mrs. Wampus  lost him.

"Too bad," she lamented. "I was just getting started!"

Wampus Young'uns Can Be Incorrigible

Most of the Wampus Cat young'uns are in their 50's now. But their favorite pastime, even today, has been mischief.

Short-sheeting the beds of guests was so predictable, they shifted to putting plastic wrap over the commode, under the seat, of course. And once a guest was shocked to find a pair of manikin legs protruding from beneath the back wheels of his car.

Another woke up to find a manikin "sleeping" beside him.

Then there was the unfortunate time one of the Wampus young'uns  - then grown and living in Colorado  - brought home as a vacation guest a lovely young airline stewardess he had met on the plane.  They had arrived late at night after a cross-continent flight.

The next morning, the other Wampus young'uns and Mrs. Wampus   somehow had located Halloween masks of weird creatures.  They not only put on the masks, they put them on upside down. Then surrounded the bed in the guest bedroom.

Apparently sensing something, the sweet young thing blinked open her eyes - to be greeted by a circle of hideous faces!

Wide-eyed but silently, she dashed to the bathroom.

The Wampus litter retreated to the kitchen for coffee, doughnuts and laughter.

Sadly and guiltily, none of us ever saw the young lady again. Honest to goodness!

All of which is to warn everyone, they're still at it.

A recent communication from the Wampus "litter" tells of the person who went into the department store fitting room. After awhile, there came a loud yell from the fitting room:

"Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!!"

Which makes us wonder which one of the Wampus young'uns pulled that caper.

Oops!

A teacher friend recently shared this with Wampus:

A fellow in the grocery store was taken by surprise when a most attractive woman stopped him in the aisle and with a beautiful smile commented, "I believe you are the father of one of my kids."

Dumbstruck, the man thought back over the years and finally blurted, "Were you the stripper at my bachelor party  that I made love to on the pool table while all my buddies watched?"

"No," replied the woman calmly. "I'm  a teacher, not a stripper. And I believe your  son is one of the kids in my class."

A Better Likeness

Emily (Mrs. Clyde) Erwin shared this experience with her bridge club members.

She was stopped at a routine check station conducted by the Highway Patrol.

She dutifully handed the trooper her driver's license.

Politely, the officer, said, "Ma'am, did you realize this license is expired?"

"Oh yes," she informed him, reaching again into her purse. "Here's my current one. But I think my picture on the old one is much better."

The officer smiled and waved  her through the check station.

A Bit of Humor

Thank goodness for Mike Huckabee. (Mike WHO?)

He's a former Arkansas governor and is among the "unknowns" wanting to be president. He at least made it to the recent "debate" conducted on FOX News.

And he came off-the-cuff with the most memorable comment of the evening: "Congress has been spending money like John Edwards in a beauty salon!"

Old Ironsides

 The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel
carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators.
However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannonshot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."
Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping." Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.
Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.
By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.
Then she headed home.
The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.

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The above delightful account of Old Ironsides was shared with Wampus  by fellow Wildlife Commissioner Chuck Bennett.  I was moved to pass on to him an explanation of why this couldn't happen in today's Navy.

When Josephus Daniels, founder of the Raleigh News & Observer, was serving as Secretary of the Navy (1913-21) he ordered the removal of all alcoholic beverages from ships of the American fleet.

The strongest drink allowed was coffee.

Grumbling swabbies, denied their round of "grog," created the term: "Gimmie a cup of Joe,"

It was a reference - but  not an appreciative tribute - to the Secretary.

But many folks have been calling it "Joe" ever since.  

We Were Clowns in the Circus

It's circus season. 

That's good news for the kids. And we come in all ages.

Wampus and Mrs. Wampus once had the pleasure of being clowns in an honest-to-goodness big time circus. It was a memorable experience. Our friend Bill Underwood said we both were "naturals."

Hmm.

But there was one big circus season disappointment.  A finale of each performance traditionally had been when they shot the man out of the cannon.

My fading recollection is that his name in those days was something like "Zucchini."

Then one season, there was no cannon - and no "Zucchini."

It was the same the next season.

In the weeks after the circus left town, my friend Jay Maxwell  and  I lamented the loss.

"How come they no longer shoot a man out of the cannon?" I groused.

Jay offered a thoughtful explanation: "Well, Zucchini died. And men of his caliber are hard to find."

---

Since then, thank goodness,  they've found a fellow who matches the muzzle. So to speak. 

How to Get Clicked Off!

The calls usually come at what is now known as "quality time." We're at dinner or enjoying family talk or watching a favorite TV program - or reading a good book.

Upon picking up the phone, we hear nothing for a second or two. Then a click. And then a voice, usually with a foreign accent: "May I speeek weeeth Meeestaire Price?"

A few years ago, those of us at the "Wampus" household responded that we charged $5 per minute to  listen to telephone sales pitches, adding, "Please give us you name and number and your company's billing address. The clock is ticking..."

This usually was followed by a frustrated stammering and efforts to reach a supervisor.

But things get old. Even fun games need an infusion of different flavor...

We were at our son's place at Beaufort when the phone rang:

"May I speak weeeth Meestaire Charles Price, pleeeese?"

Sorry, mam, Meestaire Price is in China. I am his yard man. I am sorry to be late answering the phone. I was mowing the lawn.  He has no phone in China...

"Well, thank you very much..."

But wait, mam, I do very good yard work. Cut grass. Trim hedges and driveways...

"Thank you, sir, but..."

Please, mam, don't hang up. I also do minor repairs. You know, carpentry -

"Yessir, but ..."

Oh, wait, mam, my wife, she also works. Cleans house. Does dishes - even windows...

"B-b-but, sir..."

Mam, please don't hang up -

"Click!"

Chalk  up another win for Ol' Wampus!